Is it sick or strangely wonderful?

Fetopia!

I like it! Pinky & Blob are my favorite, I do believe. I wish they made a shark fetus. Or a viking fetus. Maybe I should email her. Anyways, you should definitely check it out. They're quite affordable & come in magnet form. :)

Angry & Bitter

Disclaimer: I have no problem with most Christians. I have no problems with people of other religions. I just don't appreciate when ill-informed attention-seeking people give a perfectly nice & respectable group of people a bad name. If it is so important that Jesus is respected & revered in their lives, then why not behave with some Christian charity, humility, and patience. If you are so strong in your faith, then why do you have to shoot everyone elses's down? And if you are going to do so, you had better be informed about the history of your religion, what your spiritual texts actually say, and get it right.

The Christ/Holiday/Christmas thing pisses me off. It's not just about a name. It's about those people using the wave of "anti-political correctness" going around to turn everything into Jesus this/Christ that. Next year, let'em decorate a palm tree with lights. Poor 16th century Germans & their cultural traditions. Leave them be, people!

And the argument that "it's always been that way" doesn't cut it. 'Cause it hasn't always been that way. Not everything in this country was all about Jesus before the "evil liberals" came & let black people vote & women control their own bodies. You'd think it was, though, from everything you hear these days. You'd think that the 1950's was really composed of a lot of happy Christian nuclear families where the dad had a good job & the mom took care of the kids and kept the clothes clean. It's a myth, people! A myth created as a reaction to the Cold War/Soviet ideology. Go find me the evidence that America was really like that & I'll buy you a candy bar.

Also see: http://www.cmdbuddy.com/tree.html

Some SGA'er/College Republican wanted some attention & got it. But the Holiday Tree Lighting has *never-Never-never* been called the "Christmas Tree Lighting." Some people don't do their research before trying to cause controversy. It works better for them that way.

Former "holiday tree lightings": & why the hell was there no controvery then? Were there no good Christians looking out for Jesus prior to 2005? Ain't nobody got his back?

December 2004

December 2003

December 2002

Origin of the Christmas tree

Chocolate is Love!

Fine Dark Chocolate

Hershey's Spa

Chocolate.Org!

World Cocoa Foundation: For Sustainable & Responsbile Cocoa Farming

More if I have the time!

Where's a red pen when you need one?

E. Edward Grey: Do you really wanna be my secretary?
Lee: Yes, I do.
E. Edward Grey: This isn't just about typos, tapes, staples and pencils, is it, Lee?
Lee: No, Sir.
E. Edward Grey: What?
Lee: No, Sir!

Sometimes I feel so dirty being a secretary....

Thoughts on heathen brochures

Just some thoughts...

-Why it doesn't suck your child is heathen
-At least he/she isn't wiccan!
-How to organize your own moot
-Kick a cat, and scream...: Why Freyja is more than a goddess of lust
-Tyr-the oft forgotten god
-What if I'm not -icelandic, germanic, anglo-saxon, etc-?
-American Heathenry: Our own world view
-The most recent history of heathenry (1970-present)
-A Woman's Place: How women fit in to this "warrior's religion"
-How to we introduce heathenry to the public
-Politics of Heathenry- why we have been devisive
-Seidhr & Spae: Our magic?
-Heathens & the Afterlife
-Holidays & Fun activities for the family
-Food, food, & more Food!: Traditional European fare for your moots & family gatherings

And discoveries they did make, finding what they did not seek, the Three Princes of Serendip

From www.dictionary.com: Horace Walpole coined the term in a letter of January 28, 1754. Walpole wrote:“this discovery, indeed, is almost of that kind which I call Serendipity, a very expressive word.” It comes from an old word for Sri Lanka and a fairy tale called, "The Three Princes of Serendip. The Princes traveled far & wide, and as they traveled, "they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of....

Also: http://livingheritage.org/three_princes.htm
Check this out. It's a great link about the history of the word. Turns out, the history of the word serendipity finds a completely unexpected modern meaning of the word. Yea bastardization of language! We get cool words from it sometimes.

One Art-Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Stolen from Hoang

TEN RANDOM FACTS
01. I love cool mornings in the fall when the sun's out. It's crisp out and the wind's blowing a little. The leaves are glowing whatever shade of fall they are.
02. I lose my keys or some other accessory at least twice a day.
03. I love my family more than anything, my friends are a close second.
04. Country music has grown on me since I moved to Alabama 4.5 years ago.
05. Running doesn't always seem like a bad idea.
06. I'm usually lonely around people, but rarely when I'm by myself.
08. True love exists, but rarely ever works out right.
09. Dead authors are some of my favorite people.
10. Being scared, for me, usually involves admitting to losing something I never had.

NINE LASTS
Last Alcoholic Beverage: Sangria on Saturday
Last Car Ride: Lunch--at B&N
Last Movie Seen: Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
Last Phone Call: One of my boss's clients
Last CD Played: Mix cd feat. "Promise of You" by Edwin McCain
Last Bubble Bath: If only I could remember?
Last Time You Cried: When I found out my dog had died.
Last Book Read: Genius of American Politics
Last Person Talked To: Temp at my office

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Hmm.. good friend, yes. Best friend, no.
Have you ever been arrested: Nope
Have you ever skinny dipped: Yup, it's tradition.
Have you ever been on TV: Nope.
Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it: Yup.
Have you ever cheated: In some senses of the word, yes.
Have you ever spent more than 5 hours online: Oh hell yes.
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep: Not since I was little.

SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING
01. Silver trouser socks
02. Ann Taylor heels.
03. black and white stretchy shirt
04. Black wonder bra
05. Black thong
06. Black dress pants
07. Trusty nose & earrings.

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
01. Checked email
02. Answered many questions with obvious answers.
03. Read my book.
04. Drank soy milk.
05. Thought about quitting my job
06. Planned a vacation I'll probably never take

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS
01. My family
02. My friends
03. Books
04. Coffee.
05. Friends, books, and coffee. At the same time.

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO
01. Long-haired Dave
02. Runa
03. Clayton
04. My mom

THREE CHOICES
01. Black or White: Black
02. Hot or Cold: Cold
03. Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate-vanilla swirl

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
01. Be a good mom.
02. Find time to just be.

YOUR WORST FEAR
01. Letting my fears get the best of me.

ONE THING YOU REGRET
01. "I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret... if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid." Katharine Hepburn

To be followed by more great quotes from Katharine Hepburn. She had spunk.

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you" Quotes by Katharine Hepburn

--Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer.

--We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.

--To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.

--Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

--Only the really plain people know about love - the very fascinating ones try so hard to create an impression that they soon exhaust their talents.

--My greatest strength is common sense. I'm really a standard brand - like Campbell's tomato soup or Baker's chocolate.

--Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.

--Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around.

--It's life isn't it? You plow ahead and make a hit. And you plow on and someone passes you. Then someone passes them. Time levels.

--If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

--Drive on. We'll sweep up the blood later!

--Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh

WhiteHouseTapes.org

http://www.whitehousetapes.org/

Dude, it's killer shit. This guy came and talked with us yesterday in my American historiography class. Mohr was like his favorite professor at Tulane--they had seminars together and Mohr helped him with his dissertation.

But yeah, LBJ is a manipulative sonuvabitch. I like him. He's not brilliant like Nixon was, in a higher IQ-than thou sort-of-way, but he knows people.

Anyways, you people should check it out.

Romeo and Juliet-Dire Straits

juliet when we made love you used to cry
you said I love you like the stars above Ill love you till I die
there's a place for us you know the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

Heard this song on the radio today. I also have a live cover of it by edwin mccain burned on a CD right now. Anyways, it's running through my head right now, and I thought I'd make a post about it. It's fairly meaningless, but far less meaningless than this job is. So there ya go.

So there's this thing called life

Right. And It's right here, right now, and I'm living it. Goddamn, if only that were true. But I'm sitting here in a personal injury law firm typing letters and trying to find ways to slack off. I'm underpaid and I would be overworked if I truly worked as hard and productively as I could. But I'm apathetic to the situation and I'm still faster than the two others. So hah. Watch me slack.

We have a temp who won't answer the phones. When Kimberly goes to get the mail, it's just me and her. And she won't answer the phones. So when Jimmy's needy-ass clients call and I can't get them off the phone without hanging up on them--and another call comes through--she won't drop anything she's doing to pick up the goddamn phone and most likely just transfer it to VM. It's not that freaking hard people. And if this causes my christmas bonus to be smaller-b/c we have to hire a temp--I'm going to be soo pissed.

It's just after 11 and I think I get to take another week of early lunch. Kim hates taking it that early, but I like to get on with it and get back.

I need a personal assistant. I want to make the temp my bitch. I could be so much more efficient if I had a runner to go get shit and file shit for me.

This place doesn't make me any nicer. Maybe I should go work with puppies. Maybe then I'd turn into a nicer person instead of more bitter.

Maybe

Mantra: Next weekend I get to see my kindred, next weekend I get to see my kindred. On another note, something that dribbled out of my head while working. Dribbling, because of the grey matter drooling out of my ears, down my neck and onto my nice new work pants.

I think you're beautiful
In all the ways that beauty is true.
In all the ways that light hits your eyes
And I can see forever.
Beauty in the furrows of your hair
As your fingers push it back from
your face, as your breath catches after running.
In the wrinkles of your forehead as you amuse yourself
with life and all of its confusing and beautiful disasters.

personality tests (I'm a copycat)

The Shadow (INFJ) from The Self Network
External: Quiet & low-key.
Internal: Compassionate and caring. Observant, aware.
Cyphers-incongruous & disjointed. Creative thinker.
Doesn't need to be center of attention.
Work hard to achieve success for its own rewards.
Strong beliefs, independent of others. Willing to take risk for beliefs.
Independent worker. Strong personal integrity.

I am an INTJ (Mastermind?)according to HumanMetrics. Though above all, I seem to be "moderate".

Characteristics of the Mastermind:
Organizer, Strategist, Decision Maker, Pragmatist, Brainstormer.
Likes things decided and settled.
Utility and efficiency are most important.
Likes to work in background if possible.

INTJ: Definiteness, Specialized Knowledge, Pefectionist. Pragmatist ("does it work?"). Independence of mind. Combination of imagination and reliability. Do what they know-where they can find combination of intellect and incisiveness.Mask of surface conformism. Downfall: romantic entanglement. Care deeply for a few. Little patience for small talk. Like people to make sense. Strongest assets to personal relationships: intuitive abilities and willingness to "work at" them.

"Good Afternoon, Diamond, Hasser, Frost, & Luckie"

Astrology.Yahoo.com: One of the most unlikely sources of wisdom.
Right now you feel like you're in limbo, but think of it as more of an astrological waiting room rather than a grey area. You're actually preparing to do something rather daring or out-of-character. Perhaps you're ending an old friendship or relationship that's too limiting, or ready to renew an alliance that has some life in it yet. The stars encourage (and reward) bravery, so get ready, get set ... and go!

Tarot by Facade:

	The card at the lower left, represents the first decision along your path. The World: Completeness and intricacy of design. A great work. Achievement, reward, and well-earned recognition. A time of success, prosperity, security and joy. May also indicate travel or a change in residence.
	The card to the far left represents the first false path that may lead you astray. Two of Cups (Love): The perfect harmony of union, in romance, friendship, or business. A deep and palpable connection radiating joy and contentment. A great concordance or pledge of fidelity. The joining of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The sanctification of the natural through that which exists on a higher plane. May indicate the meeting of a kindred soul, marriage, engagement, merger, or partnership.
	The card in the middle represents the second decision along your path. King of Swords: The essence of air, such as a clear blue sky: A mature leader of unwavering ethics and indisputable authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the law cannot be swayed by emotion or material concerns. Perfect clarity of thought, directness of action, and eloquence of speech. One who, like a great general, inspires not love or devotion, but absolute trust and loyalty.
	The card at the lower right represents the second false path that may lead you astray. Three of Swords (Sorrow): Unsettling news leading to heartbreak or loneliness. Tactless or hurtful words. Acting without consideration for the emotions of others. Betrayal of trust or confidence. The revelation of a painful truth.
	The card at the top represents one possible mask of your true destination. Nine of Cups (Happiness): Contentment and satisfaction in romance, friendship, or other relationships. Achieving your deepest desires and savoring beauty and sensual pleasures. A state of joy and abundance radiating fulfillment and bliss.

Fortune cookies:
--You're filled with a sense of urgency. Be patient or you may end up confused.

Orchid, the empathic psychic by iVillage:
--Those butterflies in your stomach should tell you something.

My horoscope today

Let me preface this by saying, I don't often check my horoscopes. I have issues using obsolete Greek astronomical data to predict my future. But it's fun, and sometimes it's a bit ironic.

>>Snags smooth out when you trust in the universe and take your sticky little fingers off the controls. Hard as it is to believe, you're not actually the one who has final say over how things turn out -- really. That should be welcome news, since that means you can now go ahead and live your life instead of trying to control it. Not only will that release tons of stress and anxiety, but your newfound freedom will give you the willingness to try new things.<<

So laugh, 'cause if you know me, you'll be wanting to right about now. So let go and let someone else decide, eh? Be patient and let things turn out how they will.

Horoscopes 2

But in the fall, someone from your romantic past may be dwelling on you. Your old loyalty may be sparked, but is the connection still there? Let your intuition guide your, especially the weekend of September 16th. In October and November, your mind's on your money and your money's on your mind, but don't exclude the nourishment of a sweet little something in the romance department. Look for a hot holiday party on December 16th or 17th, and as far as New Year's Eve weekend, it's got your name (plus someone else's) written all over it.

We'll see, eh?

daily grind, making money, taking drugs

Yeah, but only the legal kind. I have a cold and I went to CVS to get some over the counter cold medicine. And the little shits who cook up meth these days have made it really inconvinient for me to get my fix. It's behind the counter, you have to show ID, you have to sign something saying you won't make illegal drugs with it. Dude, I just want my nose to stop running and being stuffy.

I got paid today--wasn't much since last week was a shorter week, but it's something. It's enough that I may go out and buy a new bookcase tomorrow-there were some on sale at Office Max.

I talked to an old friend Clayton last night. He may be getting engaged soon. He's definitely thinking about it. I'm happy for him. He's been dating this chick on and off for the last three and a half years. And even better, she reminds him of me--so she has to be a cool chick :) I've known him for nine years now. ..... Yeah. But I still better not be Aunt Jamie for a while, he's got to finish his PhD.

The future is open and I am not as trapped as I feel in this cubicle.

in hopes that one day I might be Home

--Long is the round to a false friend leading,
e'en if he dwell on the way:
but though far off fared, to a faithful friend
straight are the roads and short.
--Young was I once, I walked alone,
and bewildered seemed in the way;
then I found me another and rich I thought me,
for man is the joy of man.

Leaving is always the best and worst part. There's always the estacy of being around people who recognize a part of you that not many others do.

We have plans to meet again at Yule, if not before.

And the words that were said, sincere at the time, and mostly meant. Though I wonder at a few.

Something I've been workin' on:

Each mile past, numbness grows
up and into my senses, filling the void:
No longer the smell of moss and earth,
No longer the warm smiles and sunlight
streaming down through the trees
No longer the merry making and swimming
in a mirror of the starry sky.
--I get through the days, sometimes
with the sound of my own laughter,
othertimes, not.
The chill on bathroom tile is distracting
and I am grateful.

Not done, but it's something.. Something's more than nothing, even if it ain't all that good. :)

And so it goes

So, the world's spun 'round again. Seems like ages since I've been down here.

I think I have an apartment scouted out. I'll try to scan a pic at work. It's 2bd/1bth, 950 sqft. Patio out back. I like it. Plenty of crash space for all of my friends that I'm sure will come and visit me. Right, like as soon as I call them back. I am such a bad long distance buddy.

School starts in a couple of weeks and I have to register. This will be a feat because! *drumroll* I have a job. A full time job that pays better than any other job I've had thus far. But it's 830 to 5, M-F, and getting to the school before business hours are over-even with an hr for lunch-will be a stretch.

I like my job. I'm swamped and I never stop moving. But I wonder how I will handle a full time job and full time grad school. I might go crazy, but I haven't been in a while-so why not? It'll be something new.

Hmm.. I went to the emergency room last week because of my ulcerative colitis. It's not a fun thing, there's lots of blood involved. But unfortunately, not enough, because my blood count was normal. They told me to go home, "the worst was over". Three more days of blood. Yeah, the worst was over...

And there's a cute guy paying attention to me. It's kind'a nuts. He's not heathen, but he's not much of anything else either. And he's smart- a history major- with some particular ideas about how history should be taught and studied. And when I mentioned the 'native american fluff bunny' story, he returned with "is she even native american?" *le sigh* But we'll see. Finding guys that like me isn't much of a problem. It's getting them to stay (and for the right reasons). Right now, I'm just happy finding somebody my age who likes to chill out at book stores with coffee. I miss my coffee buddies in Auburn.

139 lbs. 34B. Size 10 in pants. Size S or M in tops. Boo-yah.

That's about it, y'all. Optimistic. Content. Calm. Eye of the Storm. Gimme two weeks, and it'll all be crazy again.

Yea Independence Day: Happy 229 years and counting

So I'm in Mobile. Things are radically different than I thought they'd be on Thursday. But if we're being really honest, let's look at the number of coincidences that should have alerted me that maybe this wasn't the greatest idea: My roommates break up and are unable to reconcile living together, the great job that seemed like it was a sure thing fell through, the truck we were supposed to use to pull the free trailer fell through at the last minute causing us to pay for a U-Haul, my roommate moves shit around to spite me because he won't directly communicate his frustration, oh and the school is pulling some crap with the number of deficiencies they say I have.

Party time, excellent. The good parts: Things might resolve themselves in the house in a compromise that might actually be better than the original deal. I did get into South, I just have to sweet talk some poli sci professors into excusing me from some random freshman level classes. And well, I am a college graduate with a good work ethic, maybe finding a decent job won't be impossible. Oh yeah, and! I'm much nearer to many of my kinsmen, I just had several over yesterday and we had a wonderful afternoon.

As far as that rubber band goes.. it definitely busted on Saturday. I yelled and I shook and I had taken my last share of bullshit for the week. I'll compromise at this point, but I'm done being nice. I'm much calmer this morning than I've been lately because I'm not taking one more ounce of bullshit from this situation. There will be no more excuses; anyone over 18 will be expected to act as an adult, anyone who declares him or herself to be heathen will be expected to act accordingly (i.e. as a heathen). No more hugs, no more understanding, no more sympathy. Fucking deal with it. I've got more important things with which to deal.

Let's end on a good note. It's a pretty nice day outside. I'm looking forward to the rest of today. Tomorrow I get to see an ultrasound of the soon-to-be newest member of the kindred. And I'm currently two doors down from a Starbucks. Oh yes, more caffeine.

[Ronny's comment of the same day: All your talk. Maybe I didn't do it out of spite, maybe I wanted it like that and had always planned on having it like that, and I didn't care that you were being a selfish bitch who has to have her way the minute you decide you want something. Ever think of that? And on the subject of being Heathen, the only "Heathen" I know who makes cheap personal attacks that have nothing to do with the situation when she doesn't get her way is Ingona. Until Saturday. So fuck you, and I hope you die. You're not my kin anymore, and I refuse to be around you. And that secret I wouldn't tell you? You were going to be put up for a vote to be gythia in September. It has to be unanimous, and you just lost my vote. See you in Ginnungagap, bitch.]

Can't say much

I've got class in a few so I can't say much.

But this weekend was so amazing. I was definitely taken by surprise, not because of what happened, but by the extreme rightness and smoothness of it. I'm really excited about what happens next with my kindred-- I want to see us meet the next challenge. We're going to do it even better this time.

Ok, class now, more later.

Edit: 11:21am: Almost have class again. Been thinking. I wonder about checking into some of Bush's faith-based initiative policies. See what kind of grant money is available for religious groups/charities. Can't discriminate, right? Well, in theory at least. Next on list: Incorporate. For profit or non-profit? Maybe both under parent company. Diversify interests--> not just agriculture, maybe a franchise. Printing or a gym perhaps. Daycare might be too much liability-->kids, risky. Would eventually like to see a summer camp, perhaps a school. We'll have lots of kids soon. Need to get with Bev to plan next get together. Can't wait until I get down to Mobile and hang out with mah girls. *motivated sigh* I just wish I didn't have goddamned American History II, when I could be doing more productive things--> like packing! planning, or cleaning. *grr* Back later.

On a happier note

Not mine, but I like it... May I find such inspiration.

"I do not love you"~Paul Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

And the blog on the bus went round and round...

Bad Fucking Luck
Poor him/her.

Ok, so as I'm sure everyone is excited to hear, I am done with my take home test. It's been exciting. You can tell, 'cause I'm blogging (fucking addict).

I want to go to the gym. A odd thing for me to say, if you knew me three months ago. But really, I do. It'd be nice to do yoga for an hour or lift weights or do something other than type. But I am here, in the library, typing. Doing homework, putting off homework, and about to tell the lady in the Honor's college I didn't make a poster for tonight.

Last year around this time I was less than a month from taking off on a 10 week adventure, away from everything and everyone I knew. I was hurried and excited and anxious. Today I wondered to myself if I wanted another grand adventure. I reminded myself I would be moving in two months, and that would be adventure enough. I don't really want to go off to some grand ole place for a long time, or if part of me does, I wish I could just send that part off.

I need to get rid of clutter. Inside my head and inside my apartment. Just go through and start trashing things, because I won't have room for them much longer. My head's running slower than normal becaue my harddrive is almost full and my RAM is almost completely used up just running basic processes.

In some ways my life has been less dramatic than normal. No one has been arrested in the last 10 days, and I have been more or less out of touch with all the usual stuff. I know I create it sometimes for myself, and I've been working on stopping those thoughts. Doubts where it isn't rational, but seem to find their ways in, get caught fairly quickly. I am my own worst enemy and have a tendency to step on my own feet. Well, let's not do that anymore, alright?

I need to have more faith in people, but quietly, so that my faith in them does not intimidate or cause undue stress. I've been listening to my instincts more, but maybe I added a little information today that will help sort out those impulses.

I need much less attention that I get, but it's addictive, much like this blogging. I need to cut back. How about reading a book that has nothing to do with school and everything to do with my own interests. Let's try that.

Everything I want to do doesn't have to be done right now. The opportunities I have missed will not be how I define my life. When is the right time? I've never been a patient person. I'm not busy enough, despite all the things I have to get done. I should volunteer more often or read more. Decide to learn something and go for it. The only time is right now, because if it's later, it will never happen. In some cases, in others I wait. But I cannot wait, because I am not a static being.

So get done fucking talking about it, because right now I have to run.

Almost got it down

I'm graduating tomorrow. That in and of itself isn't a big deal. I earned it, damn straight, but it may not be as much a defining moment as the choices I make in the near future might be. I've fufilled all the promises I've made my parents, all the bargains I've struck with them.

I have a pretty good habit of changing my life in a major way every four years. Four years ago, I graduated high school, four years before that I made a decision to live my life my way and to hell with everyone else. Four years before that, I moved from Chicago to Southlake- a move that pretty much marked the crumbling of childhood innocence. Four years prior to the move, I started school. So at age 22, I'm at a watershed. I kind'a think something big's going to happen. And not just moving to Mobile; moving isn't such a big deal, it's almost second nature. And this isn't an expectation. I'm not going to throw myself in front for the first 18-wheeler and hang on for dear life. But there's nothing that will surprise me in the next three months. There's just a certain feeling when you walk outside and the breeze is going and there's just a certain smell in the air, of the air. It's got a frenzied quality to it.

It struck me every day
The lightning was as new
As if the cloud that instant slit
And let the fire through.

It burned me in the night,
It blistered in my dream;
It sickened fresh upon my sight
With every morning’s beam.

I thought that storm was brief,—
The maddest, quickest by;
But Nature lost the date of this,
And left it in the sky. ~Emily Dickinson

Fair Weather-Dorothy Parker

This level reach of blue is not my sea;
Here are sweet waters, pretty in the sun,
Whose quiet ripples meet obediently
A marked and measured line, one after one.
This is no sea of mine, that humbly laves
Untroubled sands, spread glittering and warm.
I have a need of wilder, crueler waves;
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.

So let a love beat over me again,
Loosing its million desperate breakers wide;
Sudden and terrible to rise and wane;
Roaring the heavens apart; a reckless tide
That casts upon the heart, as it recedes,
Splinters and spars and dripping, salty weeds.

Song of One of the Girls by Dorothy Parker

Here in my heart I am Helen;
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm of the glamorous ladies
At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
So I stay at home with a book.


Damn, I love her. Bring back Dorothy Parker and we'll call it even stephen.

Also, in the life of poetry

Ah, the power of a hopeless love. Good for poetry, not always for waistlines.

She, my friend, was in love with a Catholic priest. "Passionately attached" is what, I believe, she called it. Alas, he didn't leave the priesthood and she went on to have... eight children? She was, later in life, a suffragist, and fought "to obtain the vote for women on the same terms as it is or may be granted to men. Its methods are those proper to writers - the use of the pen." Not quite as good as my favorite quote by Frances Griffin, who was known for verbally smacking unprogressive men upside the head, but still satisfying.

Renouncement
By Alice Meynell

I must not think of thee; and, tired yet strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight -
The thought of thee--and in the blue Heaven's height,
And in the sweetest passage of a song.

Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee waits, hidden yet bright;
But it must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long.

But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
When night gives pause to the long watch I keep,
And all my bonds I needs must loose apart,
Must doff my will as raiment laid away, -
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart.